Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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