This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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