Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
