I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
