I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
