and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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