Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
