Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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