I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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