I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
