I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize