she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
