I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Floor bacon is actually really good
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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