just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
