Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
