I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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