hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Randomize
