I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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