it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Dear god my vagina.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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