he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
