Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
