roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
