i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
