I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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