If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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