Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
