morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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