Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
