just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
