I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
