so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize