dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
