Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
