Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
