Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
