Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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