my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
