now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
All I want is dick and wine.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
