i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
