I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
