i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
