omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
