Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
