The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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