the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize