I wish I could punch you in the face.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
