I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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