I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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