Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
