Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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