As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
