when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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