i don't plan on having that self control this summer
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Every concussion has its silver lining
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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