I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
