I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my shit smells like andre
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
