I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
