We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
