I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize