why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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