my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
