i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Apparently you make a good broom.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
